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Myths about Hydranencephaly
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Dear Doctor Letter
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What if? Part 3
Grief and Loss
I'm Not a Mother Anymore
Many of us who have
children with severe disabilities get our own identities totally tied up with
our children. When any child, but especially a child who has been so needy of
your time and energy dies, you can go through an identity crisis. That’s what
I’m going through now, as my child with hydranencephaly was my only child.
Several times, I’ve commented to people “I’m not a mother anymore”. One of those
people was Alsie Kelley (Stasia’s Gift) and this was her reply. I’ve included it
here with her permission as I think it’s something many of us need to think
about.
“And I, too, used to think
on Mother's Day Sunday when they asked all the moms to stand, "I'm not anybody's
mom." Then one day my Brian pushed me to my feet asking, "Did I miss something
here?" "If I died tomorrow would tell people you'd never been married?" Unless
you remarried, would people stop referring to you as a widow?" "If you were
asked to speak at a conference and to offer help to newly married women, would
you say, no I'm not a wife so I have nothing to offer?" "When your grandparents
died, did you stop referring to them as my grandmother or grandfather."
"I didn't know mothers retired." Barb, if your child grows up and gets married
and moves to another country and never calls or visits, does that mean you're no
longer a mother? When you don't talk to God for a long time and go into one of
those dreadful spiritually dry periods, does God cease to be God?
I have some good or bad news depending on your perspective - there's no
retirement plan for moms. It's a title for life. Motherhood is not temporary.
Nor does it depend on what your children do, where they go or what stage of life
they're in. You're thinking here as the world thinks, not as God thinks. God
handpicked you for the job of Kayda's mom. It was no fluke; it was no accident.
You were personally selected by the Creator of the entire universe because of
the abilities and strengths and weaknesses that he created you to have. No one
else could ever have been the kind of mom you were to Kayda. You are linked for
eternity with an eternal bond. Think about it. Shrouds don't have pockets and
hearses don't have U-Hauls behind them. The only thing that you take with you
when you pass through that door from this finite life to the next eternal one is
your relationships. That's the beauty of it. If you truly care about someone,
you share the Gospel with them so that they have the same opportunity as you to
spend all eternity with God and you. Dr. James Dobson, noted psychologist and
family counselor loves to say, "Keep the circle unbroken". Don't let one fall
away. God has given you this wonderful gift. For a time, a very brief time, you
and Kayda will be separated. But she's whole now and healthy and very, very
happy. She has the best baby sitter in the world looking out for her. And you my
dear sweet, precious friend have this as your comfort: When once you hold each
other again, no one and nothing will ever be able to separate you again. That's
worth getting up in the morning for!!!!
We will be judged by what we did in this life. When the Book of Life is opened,
everyone will know, heathen and saint alike that you were Kayda's mom as they
listen to your story. And if it's important enough for God to remember don't you
think you should too?
Know it, take comfort from it, use it to help others and one day even rejoice in
it. When people ask me if I have any children, Brian and I both say yes. We have
a little girl who is now 13 years old and she lives with God. They get the
oddest look on their faces when we tell them that. They're usually at a loss for
what to say and ultimately end up saying "I'm so sorry." And I always say, "Oh
do not weep for me. I cherish every moment we had together. She was the best
thing that ever happened to us. And to tell you the truth, after ten years I can
still say that it was THE most fulfilling period of my life." Most people live a
lifetime hoping they'll get the chance to have a significant impact on life
before they die. Me, I'm the lucky one. I was able to have
significant impact on another human being for three years. Usually by then, I've
erased the pain and confusion from their faces and they slowly begin to smile as
they see that my smile is genuine. And they usually say something along the
lines of, "What a wonderful perspective you have." And I tell them, "That's
true. It's an eternal perspective."
Now mind you, all of that did not come about in a day or even the first year.
But over time as I healed and rested and relied on God's provision. But you
start by acknowledging that you've been given the gift of by an eternal God of a
multi-faceted life. You are a woman, a wife, a mother and on and on the list
will go as God opens up new experiences to develop your spiritual maturity. So
unless you've discovered a "Delete" button that erases those years with Kayda
that will become such an important part of who and what you are, I'm afraid
you're just stuck with 'em. They're a part of you sweetie, like your smile, your
eyes, your strength, your great compassion and your commitment and dedication.
There's no going back. You're Kayda's Mom and that's a fact!!! And many, many
people will be blessed by that fact. You just wait and see. Because I'm hangin'
around just soze I can say "I told you so"!!!!!!
Love, Alsie, Stasia's mommy - until I die and then lookout Lord, because I'm
gonna try and run things up there too!”
So there!!!! All of you
who are feeling you aren’t moms or dads anymore.
Other Pages in this
section:
What If?
What if: part 1: Your child's last days
What if: part 1: Your child's last days links
What if: part 2: Funerals
What if: part 2: Funeral links
What if: part 2: Eulogies
What if? Part 3:
Grief and Loss Resources
What if? Part 3: Grief and Loss Resources
Links
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